Corporate Hilarity

Woot.com, one of those crazy "deal-a-day" websites, just issued this rather hilarious letter to their disgruntled customers:

An Emergency Open Letter

To all Woot customers:

I have received more than three emails from Zune buyers who are upset about Woot dropping the price of the Zune by $20 one month after it went on sale the first time. After reading every one of these emails, or at least scanning their subject lines, I have some observations and conclusions.

First, I need to make a better effort to hide my email address.

Second, I am sure that we are making the correct decision to lower the price of the 30GB Zune from $149.99 to $129.99. This confidence is based on more than the holy doctrine of corporate infallibility. The Zune is a breakthrough product, and we have the chance to “ride the lightning” and “shoot the curl” this holiday season, not to mention “kill the messenger” and “rock the vote”, further enabling us to “pay the rent” and “keep the lights on”. It benefits both Woot and every Zune user (but especially Woot) to drag as many new victims as possible into the Zune “dungeon”. We strongly believe that misery loves company this holiday season.

Third, being in technology for 1+ years, give or take a year, I can attest to the fact that the technology road is bumpy. There is always some idiot changing lanes without signaling, and the potholes never seem to get fixed. If you always wait for the next price cut or to buy the new improved model, you’ll never buy any technology product. I mean, why should you? Truth is, you don’t really need any of this junk. We’re afraid you’ll catch on to that fact and overpaid frauds like me will have to go back into fields like telemarketing and burrito construction. Fortunately, most of you continue to languish in a consumerist stupor, wallets spread wide for us to plunder as we please. The bad news for us is that if you buy products from companies that support them well, you will receive years of useful and satisfying service. But we’re hoping you’ll buy from Woot instead.

Third-and-a-half, even though we are making the right decision to lower the price of the Zune, and even though the technology road is, like, this total Deathrace 2000-type scene, we need to do a better job taking care of our early Zune customers, at least until we find a private security firm we can afford. For some reason, our early customers trusted us. We must live up to that trust with our actions in moments like these, lest you turn off the money spigot that maintains our decadent lifestyles. These peacock-egg omelets and mink-lined Jacuzzis don’t pay for themselves, you know.

Therefore, we have decided to offer every Woot customer who purchased a Zune from us on August 22, 2007 (or in the last Woot-Off) a $10 Woot credit towards any Woot order of $40 or more, before shipping. If that’s you, just enter the coupon code BUMPYROAD while making your purchase, and boo-yah: you’re mayor of Discount City. This discount applies to any Woot site, including Woot.com, Shirt.Woot, Wine.Woot, Sellout.Woot, and Beets.Woot. It doesn't expire, so feel free to check back everyday 'til you find something that will temporarily fill the void in your soul. You may use the coupon as many times as you bought Zunes. So, if you bought one Zune from us back in August, you can use BUMPYROAD once; if you bought two, you can use it twice; and so forth and so on and what-have-you. But you can only use the discount once on any one order. We make this decision with every confidence that most of you will never want any of the crap we sell anyway.

We want to convincingly pretend to do the right thing for our valued Zune customers. We’d apologize for disappointing some of you, but we long ago lost the capacity for sincere remorse. We will continue to do our best to trick you into having high expectations of Woot.

Larry Stalin
Woot CYA Officer

Formal Wear Help

Does anyone know of any place nearby where I can get fitted for a tux?

Too Good

This will make your day. Listener discretion is advised for this oldie but goodie that I stumbled upon as well.

Aware Again of the Cinema

Documentary on Cuteness
You don't really need to watch this past the mentioning of the narrator and her comment on mother polar bears. Hilarious.

Two Bad A's

We Own the Night - Mark Wahlberg seems to shine brightest when playing an authority figure of some kind (firefighter in "I Heart Huckabees," hard cop in "The Departed," and Ass Whuppin' Head Honcho in "Four Brothers"), and he's back here as a cop in a "good brother/bad brother" flick with Joaquin Phoenix. Marky Mark also seems to in seamlessly with a 1970's backdrop.

American Gangster - Denzel and Russell Crowe will hopefully team up to pound Cuba Gooding Jr. for two and a half hours. I cringe a little at Crowe's Brooklyn accent, but maybe he'll just shoot lots of stuff.

And this just looks rad and I've heard nothing but amazing things about the almost 20 Beatles songs redone by the unknown cast who were apparently signed on by holding musical auditions.

Books Acquired Over the Summer

These hail from used book stores in Alaska, Idaho, and Colorado, as well as a few gifts.

The Death of Ivan Ilyich - Leo Tolstoy
Found in the Moscow Goodwill for $.69

Grendel - John Gardner
The Beowulf tale from the antagonist's perspective, I picked this guy up for $1.00 in Juneau.

It's Greek to Me! - Michael Macrone
Almost too embarrassing to mention, this book is like culture-porn; Explaining the Greek and Roman roots of everyday phrases and cliches, it provides instant nerd gratification with little work or sacrifice, and leaves you less capable of studying something real and in it's entirety.

The Music of What Happens - John Straley
Given to me by Margie Beedle, whose home we stayed at in Juneau. It's a mystery/suspense deal that takes place in Sitka.

Love This! - Andy Braner
Given to me by the author.

The Natural - Bernard Malamud
The Natural the movie is probably my favorite flick of all time, based almost entirely on sentimental reasons. The other 2% is the sappy (but rad) soundtrack by Randy Newman. I only recently discovered that a book by Jewish-American Bernard Malamud was the inspiration, and I couldn't resist the $.69 Goodwill special.

A Fine and Pleasant Misery - Patrick McManus
Kind of an impulse buy at the Moscow-Pullman airport for $3.00. Humorous musings on the idea of comfort in the outdoors, not too bad so far.

The Control of Nature - John McPhee
McPhee first caught my eye in a creative non-fiction class at the UI when I read some of his essays on modern day horse rustlers in the apparently still wild Southwest US. He's the kind of dude who dives in headfirst with his research on topics and this collection looked hott. Tales of places on Earth where Man is caught in a perpetual war against the elements.

I Am Charlotte Simmons - Tom Wolfe
Being a hard back bumped this Goodwill purchase up to something like $1.49, but I've heard so many good things about this little number that I couldn't say no. I've actually never read anything by Mr. Wolfe so I'm excited to give it a whirl.

Mountaineering: The Freedom of the Hills - multiple authors
The climber's Bible. Everything from navigation to building snow caves to bomber anchors to snow cycles in the alpine. And illustrations.

The Stranger - Albert Camus
Found it at camp.

Rocky Mountain Boom Town: History of Durango, Colorado - Duane Smith
I became very fascinated with the histories of most everywhere I traveled this summer, and thought the mining/outlaw history of one of my favorite places would be a good beginning. I almost dropped about $40 on a book about the Russian Orthodox movement in Sitka, Alaska, but Lady Sense stayed my wallet.