A Charred Aorta

NYC - After years of strife between acid-reflux sufferers and the pharmaceutical giant Pfizer, a breakthrough early this week may have settled an age-old dispute. Rolaids in fact does not spell relief, alphabetically or otherwise.

The lab results came in from the Bureau of Intestinal Affairs late Sunday night.

"We'd always thought there was something fishy about...that product" said Dr. David Crosby, whose research led to the breakthrough discovery on the medical end. "But hell, who am I to say what spells relief? I'm a doctor, not a...a word guy. We just know that it don't work."

Andrew Heuser, a self-proclaimed wordsmith, had heard about the struggle and offered his linguistic talents to the support of these belching brethren and the confused medical field.

"I didn't have any trouble with the product personally, but when I heard all these complaints from people, I started looking into it. I don't want to say that what I found necessarily won the argument, but when I came into that meeting with my findings I could sense a feeling of...of... despair in those corporate monkeys."

Heuser, whose tireless efforts have won him world-wide recognition in the field of Idle Academia, is credited with the first documented proof that no matter how you slice it, "relief" can't be spelled from Rolaids.

Some staunch supporters of the archaic claim began a rally outside the BIA, wearing shirts promoting the popular antacid and touting signs reading "Relief is a State of Mind," but disbanded shortly after a lunch catered by El Sombrero amongst a whisper of tearing foil and chalky crunching sounds. No comments were offered for the group's departure.